Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Have a lovely day 😊
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Beware of the dog..
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.