me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Science memes
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*jazz hands*