About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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sistine chapel
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down