Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
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You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
cry laughing at this shit
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no