Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
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“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
can’t catch a break
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women