Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
You Might Also Like
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”