boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”