People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.