Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Love it! 👍😂
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday