Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
You Might Also Like
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.