I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
🌱🌱🌱
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Not recommended for beginners.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.