Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
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A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones