At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
You Might Also Like
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Meow
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.