Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*