8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
They got Raph!
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much