You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
🙂🙃🥹
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me