Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.