My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
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We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.