me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes