Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
is this a warning or an offer?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Möther may I have a snäck
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…