Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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I never needed anything more in my life
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.