I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.