How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
first you must answer his riddles
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
This is a sub tweet
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.