LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
wut hotdog?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
A double negative is a big no-no.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
this isn’t threatening at all
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”