People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
That’s it.I’m out.
respect
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?