In case you needed to hear it:
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Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Stop.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.