According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
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[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
#catsoftwitter
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there