*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.