I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
step 6: release the wall snake
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My wedding will be open casket.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally