My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
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Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron