Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣