*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
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I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Gemma Correll
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me irl