I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Why font matters.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My work here is don’t.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.