Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
What about second breakfast?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord