for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.