Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
You Might Also Like
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
😬
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.