My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner