damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
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friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Me, in DM rooms…
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.