“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
plums roundup
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.