One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.