Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…