If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
me after eating Cheetos
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
⛄️
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.