Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
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satan: not today, microsoft teams
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?