[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.