i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
You Might Also Like
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When does CPR become necrophilia?