Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.