Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.