I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You Might Also Like
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Autocarrot sucks!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?