This hospital has everything
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arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
The game has officially changed 😎
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston