A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
🤣
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half